Honestly, my body problems didn’t start from recent weight gain. In past posts, I’ve conveniently blamed pregnancy and pregnancy loss for my issues but it is simply not the whole truth.
No, my body issues began when I heard my mom (and pretty much every other member) call my dad fat. I quickly learned that fatness was disgusting and shameful. I didn’t start stepping on scales or anything but I became hyper-aware of everyone’s sizes around me. I soon noticed that me, the baby of the family, was the “chubby” one and I feared that I would become my father. This fear propelled me into puberty with my dad’s warning that, “you’re gonna be as big as a house if you keep eating bread” (Funny, I lost weight in France eating plenty of bread. Guess you were wrong, Dad!). Add on the fact that I am naturally a curvy girl and I became obsessed with never becoming fat. But the truth is until recently, I haven’t had legitimate, “need to lose it” weight issues. All of my body issues have derived from my ultimate fear of losing control and failing which is all tied up in my self-worth (or lack thereof).
What’s funny is now I look at pictures from a year ago and want to scream at her, “You are fine, what is wrong with you? You are good enough. You always were.” But she doesn’t hear me. She’s too busy giving me her famous forced smile, intimidated by the camera that captures what she believes to be her worth–ugliness, sloppiness, laziness. So instead, I resolve to have a chat in the mirror and tell her:
You are fine. There is nothing wrong with you that plenty of water, sleep, real food, sunshine, and movement can’t fix. Feel privileged to have a body that goes above and beyond to ‘get the job done’. Treat her well and appreciate her for you never know when she might grow tired of the daily torture you inflict upon her and simply give up. Do not destroy your body for a piece of mind that you will never get. It’s not worth it. Stop making commitments to other things and people and for once–choose you, unconditionally, with no apologies. Love, Self.