Today was a pretty decent day. That was until I saw that one of the women from The Housewives of Atlanta (don’t judge me because I watch that show!) is smaller than she was before her pregnancy thanks to breastfeeding. So of course that immediately sent my emotions into a tailspin as I thought about the crazy amount of weight that I’ve gained. Some due to pregnancy and some from postpartum depression after losing my baby.
It hurts to think that my body produced milk to feed a baby that I can’t even hold. And of course it sucks even more that I have the physical reminder of my precious little one that I lost and the pounds that I’ve gained.
I am fortunate to have a partner who loves me unconditionally but that still does not change the fact that I don’t love the person I see in the mirror. At least right now. The person I see wants to feel healthy. Wants to be happy again. I want to fit into my old clothes. I want to feel physically capable and flexible like I was merely months ago.
So I’m going to go work out after I post this. But it still doesn’t make this any easier. It still doesn’t feel fair that I even have to go through this. I wish I knew what the other side of grief looked like because from where I’m standing, it feels so far away.