Self preservation a.k.a when the personal meets the political….

Last year when I was going through arguably the worst year of my life, the world outside of me felt so quiet, so unbothered by my troubles, so content with moving forward

Inside, I crumbled and clawed to get out of bed, to shower, to leave the house, to speak, to smile

And though some felt sorry for me, the Earth still continued to spin on its axis, babies were born, and milestones were completed

Meanwhile…

I was seething with anger, waiting impatiently to release it on the next passerby,

angry that my life had turned out the way it did,

hurt that no one  else’s life came to a screeching halt like mine,

and helpless in the face of my new reality.

Bur lo and behold Queen Irony has come to save the day –the world has (finally) erupted in protest,

in anger, in fear, hurt, and cries for justice

And this time am finding my peace and I am beginning to understand how to exist in this new space that I inhabit. (P.S: The Baby Loss Community has wonderful, compassionate people but let’s be honest–NO ONE wants to belong. Seriously.)

I am not as fearful about my future as I was in the past.

I am bruised but not broken.

I am disappointed but refuse to get caught up in an endless self-blame game.

You should know a new day has arrived when me–a politically-opinionated lady decides to put my car temporary  on cruise control in hopes of enjoying the-scenery-that-is-my-life.

No, I’m not writing this to say, “I’m giving up and phoning it in for at least the next four years.”

No, actually for once this is me saying, “I’m finally learning to cope regardless of what is happening to me internally or externally. I realize that my sanity and my life in general depends on my ability to come to terms with myself and others.”

It’s easier said than done but I know it will be okay. Trust me, I have been through worse.

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