As I have said before, I do not create new year’s resolutions. However, my birthday falls right at the beginning of the year (January 3rd) so I spend ample time thinking about my life.
This past year has been difficult for so many reasons such as my spouse’s underemployment situation, grieving the loss of my baby after an unexpected pregnancy, the anniversary of my daughter’s birth/death, starting to finally grieve the loss of my mother, or contemplating dropping out graduate school (and when I finally decided to leave….but eventually stayed), the death of my childhood dog, not to mention, my spouse was involved in a car accident two weeks ago by world’s most non-remorseful driver. Fortunately he was physically fine (albeit stunned) and as these things go, our car was totaled.So we spent this past week scrambling to find a suitable used car.
And yet, here I am. On ‘the other side’ alive and trying to be well. Perhaps the best thing that happened this year is my spouse found a stable job that he enjoys. However, I still have many unanswered questions that disrupt my sleep. Some of them include:
Will I find the motivation to write this thesis that I am no longer (maybe I never was) interested in by May? Will I ever be in a place where I can just enjoy my life? Where am I going to live after I graduate? How the hell will I ever pay back my student loans from undergrad? Will I be able to afford to live moderately well while paying student loans and whatnot? Will I find a job that puts me on the path to a rewarding career?
All of this has led me to believe that I am having a quarter-life crisis. In my mind, this period is when you start to realize, “Oh, shit. I really am an adult.” Sure, I pay my bills on time every month without a problem but adulthood consists of more than just ‘bills’. (Young-ish) adulthood means taking a right onto the “it’s your own decisions, so deal with it” exit.
No excuses, all of your screw-ups are truly your own. Everyone is watching, so roll the die, and play the game of Life. I bet you can guess where this is going?
This year, my focus is on cementing the foundation for my career while continuing to practice self-love/ self-care. I hope to make myself proud.
Cheers to year 24 and figuring out this stage of my life!