Sleepless nights….

Sleepless nights awaken the writer in me
I suddenly remember a million stories that have yet to be told,

A million questions that have yet to be asked,

A million moments that have yet passed.

Sleepless nights remind me that I am human

And I have regrets, feelings of hopelessness, and an uncertain future.

Sleepless nights take me on a journey through a past that is too dark and depressing to be relived in the light of the sun.

Sleepless nights transports me to the early hours of January 4th, 2010 when I received my sister’s call with the news that  my mother was gone.

My dad didn’t want to tell me but when he did I just wanted…

I just wanted the earth’s heart to stop beating. I wanted to sink so fast as the snow, once drifting, now cascading…all about me.

I wanted to ask questions that I knew there would never be answers to.

What happened? What happened?

It wasn’t just Lupus. No, it was the life she didn’t live. See, what took her was the lifestyle she couldn’t live without: the fast life. The men who entered and exited our “home” with the highs and lows of her chronic illness and various mental afflictions. All that…she could not give up.

Yet she told me that she had so many sleepless nights…wondering how she was going to pay the bills with her (mismanaged) money, if she was going to survive, how many dreams had been left unfulfilled, what to do with her children, and if (I will insert a little imagination into my self-aware mother’s mind) she finally “ruined” us like her mother “ruined” her children.

Sleepless nights frequently called my mother with its usual questions and suggestions: why don’t you focus more on your girls? Maybe you should slow down and figure out how to get yourself out of this mess and how to stay out for good. Don’t you want to live long enough to see your girls get older? Make  decisions that will improve your overall health.

And tonight, as I squint to finish this post, determined to beat my bedtime blues and finally enjoy a restful sleep, I think: what separates me from her? Maybe I have finally become my mother. Maybe I am doomed to repeat her mistakes.

But Morning peeks through my window and says: Wake up.

And then…I remember.

There is still time.

(Almost) Quarter-Life Crisis…

As I have said before, I do not create new year’s resolutions. However, my birthday falls right at the beginning of the year (January 3rd) so I spend ample time thinking about my life.

This past year has been difficult for so many reasons such as my spouse’s underemployment situation, grieving the loss of my baby after an unexpected pregnancy, the anniversary of my daughter’s birth/death, starting to finally grieve the loss of my mother, or contemplating dropping out graduate school (and when I finally decided to leave….but eventually stayed), the death of my childhood dog, not to mention, my spouse was involved in a car accident two weeks ago by  world’s most non-remorseful driver. Fortunately he was physically fine (albeit stunned) and as these things go, our car was totaled.So we spent this past week scrambling to find a suitable used car.

And yet, here I am. On ‘the other side’ alive and trying to be well. Perhaps the best thing that happened this year is my spouse found a stable job that he enjoys. However, I still have many unanswered questions that disrupt my sleep. Some of them include:

Will I find the motivation to write this thesis that I am no longer (maybe I never was) interested in by May? Will I ever be in a place where I can just  enjoy my life? Where am I going to live after I graduate? How the hell will I ever pay back my student loans from undergrad? Will I be able to afford to live moderately well while paying student loans and whatnot? Will I find a job that puts me on the path to a rewarding career?

All of this has led me to believe that I am having a quarter-life crisis. In my mind, this period is when you start to realize, “Oh, shit. I really am an adult.” Sure, I pay my bills on time every month without a problem but adulthood consists of more than just ‘bills’. (Young-ish) adulthood means taking a right onto the “it’s your own decisions, so deal with it” exit.

No excuses, all of your screw-ups are truly your own. Everyone is watching, so roll the die, and play the game of Life. I bet you can guess where this is going?

This year, my focus is on cementing the foundation for my career while continuing to practice self-love/ self-care. I hope to make myself proud.

Cheers to year 24 and figuring out this stage of my life!