You know what child/baby loss groups never talk about?
What it feels like when you lost a child from an unplanned pregnancy. First, let me say that I truly respect and admire those who have the courage to write about their struggle to have a(nother) baby. However, I have realized that even within the infant/baby-loss blogosphere there seems to be a silent (though I’m sure sizable) portion of parents whose stories have been left untold.
I am a woman who was not trying to conceive a child, wasn’t actually happy when I found out that I was pregnant(I flew into panic mode), but eventually fell in love with my baby and the idea of parenthood. Like other parents, I mentally planned activities and lessons that I would teach my daughter. I imagined the beauty of her exploring her curiosity. I imagined the rituals we would share: me applying coconut oil to her hair while telling her silly made-up stories and dancing at the drop of a beat if ‘our song’ came on the radio. I imagined the conversations that we would have, the things she would teach me about humanity, the ways she would learn from my example.
And yet, when I lost her, I didn’t have this dying urge to conceive again. Sure, I worried myself with fear, thinking that I suffered from a biological issue that would prevent me from having another child in the far, far future. But then I thought about how the entire time that I was pregnant with her, I was frightened out of my mind with doubt that I would be unable to give her the life that she truly deserved. So when I read child-loss blogs of determined women who are seemingly confident in their parenting abilities, it makes it just a little bit harder to struggle with my mixed bag of grief. So here is my confession that I must make: I’m not sure I will have more children. Nor am I certain that I even want another child, even if I accidentally became pregnant. I think there is room at the table of grief for women like me but if not, I guess I’ll just be the odd woman out in my grief.