Odd woman out in grief…

You know what child/baby loss groups never talk about?

What it feels like when you lost a child from an unplanned pregnancy. First, let me say that I truly respect and admire those who have the courage to write about their struggle to have a(nother) baby. However, I have realized that even within the infant/baby-loss blogosphere there seems to be a silent (though I’m sure sizable) portion of parents whose stories have been left untold.

I am a woman who was not trying to conceive a child, wasn’t actually happy when I found out that I was pregnant(I flew into panic mode), but eventually fell in love with my baby and the idea of parenthood. Like other parents, I mentally planned activities and lessons that I would teach my daughter. I imagined the beauty of her exploring her curiosity. I imagined the rituals we would share: me applying coconut oil to her hair while telling her silly made-up stories and dancing at the drop of a beat if ‘our song’ came on the radio. I imagined the conversations that we would have, the things she would teach me about humanity, the ways she would learn from my example.

And yet, when I lost her, I didn’t have this dying urge to conceive again. Sure, I worried myself with fear, thinking that I suffered from a biological issue that would prevent me from having another child in the far, far future. But then I thought about how the entire time that I was pregnant with her, I was frightened out of my mind with doubt that I would be unable to give her the life that she truly deserved. So when I read child-loss blogs of determined women who are seemingly confident in their parenting abilities, it makes it just a little bit harder to struggle with my mixed bag of grief. So here is my confession that I must make: I’m not sure I will have more children. Nor am I certain that I even want another child, even if I accidentally became pregnant. I think there is room at the table of grief for women like me but if not, I guess I’ll just be the odd woman out in my grief.

 

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5 thoughts on “Odd woman out in grief…

  1. I love the way you tell your stories and would have never thought you as young as you are. You are an old soul, sister, and having read some of your other posts, I understand why that is.
    I think anyway you feel is valid.
    Only you know what will work best in your life.

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    1. As a little girl my mother used to look at me and say, “I know you’ve been here before.” Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn’t go through the things I did. I’m sure you feel the same way when you think about your upbringing filled with alcoholism and abuse. Thank you for always reading!

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  2. Thank you. You know, it’s a difficult space to be in and I am also aware that I am much younger than most of the bloggers whose stories I have read. So I guess when I really think about it, I’m just extremely overwhelmed and sometimes feel like I don’t have the right to be so when I know there are women seriously struggling with fertility issues. Heck, even though I have been told that “nothing’s wrong” with me, I might find myself in the same position if I tried to have a child. I realize that I’m hurt and extremely angry that this all happened to me and maybe in a few years I will feel differently. So in my completely non-neurotic current mindset, I will just wait and see what happens.

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  3. Your honesty is admiring. There is room for everyone especially those like you who are so thoughtful with your words and feelings. I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through the loss of a child. Any and all emotions you have about your daughters death and what your future looks like, with or without children are valid.

    Liked by 1 person

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