I am the girl that always has a plan. Well, actually plans. It’s embarrassing to admit it but I currently own four planners. FOUR! “What are you doing with them,” you ask? Well…I’ll use the excuse that I gave my spouse every time I bought a new one–I’m trying to get my life together. Just in case you haven’t gathered this from my other posts–my life is still a mess. So I guess it hasn’t worked yet, right?
I’ve come to the realization that it might be time to burn some of those perfectly curated moments that I thought I was going to snap with my camera, write in my journal, and share with my family. Instead, I accept the fact that life often doesn’t make sense, no matter how hard you try to prepare for its challenges. One extra planner, sticky note, or index card is not going to save you from the gut-wrenching moment that the doctor says your baby no longer has a heartbeat, the middle-of-the-night phone call that your mother has died, or finding out that a loved one has an uncurable illness.
Don’t get me wrong–I’ll always value organization, but it’s time for me to downsize my planners, plan a little less, and enjoy life a little more. After all, who the hell wants to organize their unhappiness? Not me. So today, on the day that my mother would have turned 51, I reflect once more on all the life she packed into 44 years. She certainly made choices that I figured my plans would steer me away from, but she also took chances and faced her fears in ways that I can only admire and hope to find the courage to do. This post is dedicated to the loving memory of a great, incredibly difficult person–my Mommy. I thank you for recognizing that my fear of failure is the only thing holding me back.
I continue to listen for your voice to remind me that I have to be okay with me. Whoever that turns out to be. You made me promise to find and take care of myself. I intend to not let you/me down.