We were in the car after I left a difficult graduate presentation.I had spaced out, completely closed off in my thoughts.I envisioned escaping and never coming back.The same bus or car, route of escape dream came back to me.The one I’ve had since I was a very young child (I don’t know if I’ve ever known true happiness.)
Suddenly he asked me if I wanted to deejay because he was driving and he didn’t have a destination. I thought how cool is that? We can just leave it all behind. Forget everything. Just me and him. Maxwell’s song “Lake by the Ocean” was playing and I couldn’t think of a better song for us to hear as we left the place that didn’t want or need us.
And then suddenly the cloudiness of Zoloft lightened and I thought about how we need a tomorrow. We still had a chance. I needed to clear my head. Let’s try to get off on that exit, yeah exit 31 Oneida County Park. Let’s see what they have there. Fuck, the restroom was closed. I had to pee like hell. Too much water. We turned around and started driving.
I could tell he didn’t want to go back. I could tell he had seen me totally inconsolable for days, crying, hopeless…it was starting to get to him. He didn’t know what to tell me. Sometimes he didn’t know if he even believed in Allah anymore. If he was real, why did our baby have to go? But he decided that he would stay strong to help me get through. He would do anything. Drive away. Give it all up if he had to–just to see me smile again. We are young, reckless, and in love.
He is the poem that I never had the words to write. He is faith when I no longer believe. He is courage when I’m not strong enough to be. He is laughter when I’ve lost my joy. He is the spirit that uplifts me when I’m too weak to get out of bed. He is understanding in this confusing thing called life. He is who he is. And that’s why I am so in love with the very essence of who he is and who he will be. Thank you for spending your life with me.
With love always,