Everyday I’m waging a silent war with myself. This morning I thought I lost that battle.
People tell me that I’m so strong. That under my circumstances they would have caved. Trust me, I want to say, you don’t know half of where this so-called strength comes from. I’m not strong, I want to say. In fact I’m really weak.
But I’m losing and no matter how many times I try to tell myself that I need to just “think positive” my brain is flooded with so many negative thoughts. My brain won’t be quiet. I think the switch is broken because it’s like my body has gone into overdrive.
My partner thinks that he can’t do anything right by me. That I’m supercritical of everything that he does. That he isn’t enough. I want to scream, “You idiot! It’s not you, it’s me.” I wish I felt more deserving of his love and adoration. I’m pretty sure I give him the crumpled up, dead parts of me. Sometimes I wonder why he sticks around. I’m so messed up that I want him to hate me. Give me what I deserve…which is nothing.
Why do I stay around and try to continue living? I don’t know. Sometimes I have this crazy moment where I envision that something good will happen if I just hold on. Then I think I’m such a coward that I can’t even push myself to go the distance and just end it.
But then I have a moment of happiness where I’m like, “Great, I’m still in this life. I’m still trying to make it.” How long this feeling lasts depends on my mood which is admittedly off-kilter these days.
I’ve always been told that I am extremely impatient and hard-on-myself. I know it’s true. So maybe for once I’ll really put in the work to do so. Problem is: how long is that gonna take? See what I mean? I’m a mess.