I attended my first personal grief counseling session with my partner this week. I can’t say I really like/trust my counselor. When I was trying to explain stressors in my life, she made a judgmental comment about my oldest sister which I did not appreciate. I know she’s an older woman (as I’m sure someone would point out if they met her) but some things are just not okay to say. Especially when your job is not to judge but whatever. All things considered, she was very right/honest in her concern for my mental/emotional ability to grieve if I’m always trying to get work done and creating new projects for myself. I know some people might find my obsessive compulsive need to plan and track everything a bit odd. I mean, when people point it out to me I can see it. But if I didn’t do those things I feel like I would just crash. And I mean crash. Like not be able to get out of bed and take a shower kinda crash which is depressing. And I don’t want to be depressed. Maybe I am and I just don’t know it, like ‘working depressed’? Is that a psychological term? Probably not.
I remember reading about this woman who was a perfectionist and did not allow herself to grieve following her child’s stillbirth. It finally caught up to her and she ended up having a nervous breakdown (I think they’re now called a psychotic break or something). I hope that isn’t me but I’m just not ready. Can you not be ready to grieve? The counselor also recognized that I was simultaneously grieving the death of my mother still which was probably re-awakened by this most recent situation. Yet again—she’s right. This is definitely a time that a person needs their mother and I can’t even call her on the phone. I guess sometimes I believe that I’m really okay because I appear to be a ‘normal’ functioning person (which is probably why I’m so intolerant for people constantly whining about their almost non-existent problems). If anything, I’ve been told that I seem incredibly strong-willed and somewhat reserved. But as they say: looks can be deceiving.
We also attempted to go to the stillborn grief support group. It was a bust. Apparently, you need to call ahead for this particular group because it doesn’t meet regularly. However, the group is monthly and conflicts with my grad classes for next semester. I guess I’ll just…I don’t know. I really don’t know.
Anyways, that’s all I have to say for now.